Issue #61

[mistconduct]

[Standing in Slevin's cabin is Chris, looking around his inmate's room, skeptical and full of doubt.

There's a door there that wasn't there previously.

Giving a suspicious look to it - who's to say Slevin didn't just get maintenance to prank him? - Chris walks over and opens the door.

Well, would you look at that.]


[The camera shuts off. Fifteen minutes later, Chris is standing in the middle of Slevin's bathroom, a boombox at his feet. He points to the camera, then back at himself. The boombox starts blasting out the ultimate 90s, MC Hammer hit single, U Can't Touch This.

In Slevin's bathroom, Chris starts doing the hammer dance. ]

My-my-my-my music keeps me so hard makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two hype feet
That's good when you know you're down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat - uh - you can't touch

[You know that terrible dance move when a person grabs one of their ankles from behind, puts their spare hand to the back of their neck and shuffles around in a wild spasm?

Yeah. Chris is doing that. Except he misjudges the pressure put on his leg, pops the prosthetic out of place, and falls over.]

Comments

[patheticvillain]

Wow.

[mistconduct]

[He cracked his chin on Slevin's bathtub on his way down, and now sits on the linoleum with a bleeding mouth, grinning]

Admit it.

Admit I'm the best fucking warden.

[patheticvillain]

You're not. You're the clumsiest, weirdest warden.

[andyougoleft]

CHRIS, GODDAMMIT.

YOU DESERVED THAT.

[mistconduct]

SHUT THE FUCK UP, SLEVIN.


Ow.


Ow.

[andyougoleft]

GET OUT OF MY ROOM.

[americasdirtiest]

[SLOW. FUCKING. CLAP.]

[mistconduct]

[A groggy middle finger inches its way onto the screen]

[americasdirtiest]

[He waits, generously, for Chris to right himself.]

So what happens now? You grab your deal and take off?

[megamind]

... you need a hand there?

[ Maybe after he's done giggling, well, he'll offer one. ]

[mistconduct]

[lying half in, half out of the new bathtub with the shower curtain pulled down on top of him, Chris gives a shaky thumbs-up]

Nope. I'm good.

[megamind]

I told you we should have gone full cyborg.

[voice]

[400yearsofsurvival]

Impressive.

[voice]

[mistconduct]

Not even Bitey the Vampire can rain on my parade. I am clearly the most competent warden on this fucking prison barge.

[voice]

[400yearsofsurvival]

Are you.

[walkingmeltdown]

[Oh my god, Chris. Oh my god, Chris. This is coming shortly after he made his own very morbid warning announcement telling people to kill him if he turns into a Mirror Barge monster and...and you're doing that. This is completely ridiculous.

It's just...it's a timing thing. It hits him in just the right way and he can't even speak to respond, he simply bursts out laughing, uncontrolled guffaws, one fist in front of his mouth like it's a cough he's trying to muffle, after a minute struggling to breathe.

Still shaking with laughter he reaches with one hand to shut the camera down.]

[ private ]

I can't believe you.

[He's still catching his breath, those last notes of laughter fading as he wipes the tears from the corners of his eyes with thumb and fingertips.]

[Private]

[mistconduct]

[Chris is so utterly stunned by this sight that he actually manages to stop making an ass out of himself for two minutes, pausing the boombox and sitting back up]

Uh.

Wow.

You okay?

Did I kill you?

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

I'm fine. I-I'm fine.

[He takes a deep breath and lets it out again, slow.]

Come on. I couldn't have scared you that much.

[notsoneedy]

I hope you broke something. [Not really.]

What the fuck was all that about?

[mistconduct]

Nope. We're good. Just bit through my lip. Motherfuck.

What do you think, Needy?

Go on, take a guess.

[notsoneedy]

You're dancing in somebody else's room? How the fuck would I know?

[routemistress]

That almost beats me and Wade's graduation party. Almost.

[Well done, Best Nephew.]

[mistconduct]

[Sitting in the tub, Chris grins, giving a thumbs-up to Iris]

I fucking did it. I'm actually fucking competent!

[sssiiiiirrrrr]

[This sounds.

About as terrible as all music sounds to Horatio. So he smiles, stiff and approving.]

Congratulations.

[mistconduct]

[Shut up Horatio you wouldn't know good music if it bit you on your 19th century bum]

Fuck yeah, congratulations! Come on, we're gonna do a conga line through the Barge.