Issue #61

[mistconduct]

[Standing in Slevin's cabin is Chris, looking around his inmate's room, skeptical and full of doubt.

There's a door there that wasn't there previously.

Giving a suspicious look to it - who's to say Slevin didn't just get maintenance to prank him? - Chris walks over and opens the door.

Well, would you look at that.]


[The camera shuts off. Fifteen minutes later, Chris is standing in the middle of Slevin's bathroom, a boombox at his feet. He points to the camera, then back at himself. The boombox starts blasting out the ultimate 90s, MC Hammer hit single, U Can't Touch This.

In Slevin's bathroom, Chris starts doing the hammer dance. ]

My-my-my-my music keeps me so hard makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two hype feet
That's good when you know you're down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat - uh - you can't touch

[You know that terrible dance move when a person grabs one of their ankles from behind, puts their spare hand to the back of their neck and shuffles around in a wild spasm?

Yeah. Chris is doing that. Except he misjudges the pressure put on his leg, pops the prosthetic out of place, and falls over.]

Comments

[Private]

[mistconduct]

Well, no, it's just. Jesus, I've never heard you laugh like that before. I thought you were having a heart attack.

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Haha. I'm not that old.

[Private]

[mistconduct]

At least now I know that all it takes to make you laugh is me falling over.

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

That's not the only thing that can make me laugh.

[Private]

[mistconduct]

But I'm your favorite, right?

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

You're ranked in the top five.

[Private]

[mistconduct]

The fuck? Top five?

Who's above me and how do I kill them?

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

For making me laugh?

[Private]

[mistconduct]

Yes.

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

You'd have to waste Iris, then. And possibly Ms. Gordon. And somehow I don't think you want to do either of those things.

[Private]

[mistconduct]

You underestimate how ambitious and overachieving I can be.

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Well - presuming you even could get past the two ladies' power couple then - the next two are Miss Hobbs, and Jack.

And if you actually succeeded in doing anything to either of them I'd be...miffed.

[Private]

[mistconduct]

Abigail? She's totally not funny. Definitely not funnier than me.

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Whatever makes you feel better.

[She and Blight both have that 'morbid sarcasm' thing going on, Chris. Of course she makes him amused.]

[Private]

[mistconduct]

You're a dick.

And I'm challenging Abigail to a pun-off.

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

If you actually do, let me know so I can be there. Or at least record it for me.

[Private]

[mistconduct]

It'll be like a rap battle.

And I'm the real Slim Shady.

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

...You're about white as he was, I'll give you that.

[Private]

[mistconduct]

The whitest motherfucker here.

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Yes, yes. Goodie for you.

So what's with the improvised dance, anyway?

[Private]

[mistconduct]

Slevin needs a good send-off. I was a million times disappointed Rorschach didn't dance when I graduated.

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

So you really pulled it off and got him out the door after all. Well, what do you know.

[Private]

[mistconduct]

Yep. His ass is out of here.

I'm the best, what can I say?

[Private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Congratulations. Really, I mean that.

[Private]

[mistconduct]

Thanks, man. Gonna have so many shots tonight, I swear.