mistconduct | Issue #61

[Standing in Slevin's cabin is Chris, looking around his inmate's room, skeptical and full of doubt.

There's a door there that wasn't there previously.

Giving a suspicious look to it - who's to say Slevin didn't just get maintenance to prank him? - Chris walks over and opens the door.

Well, would you look at that.]

[The camera shuts off. Fifteen minutes later, Chris is standing in the middle of Slevin's bathroom, a boombox at his feet. He points to the camera, then back at himself. The boombox starts blasting out the ultimate 90s, MC Hammer hit single, U Can't Touch This.

In Slevin's bathroom, Chris starts doing the hammer dance. ]

My-my-my-my music keeps me so hard makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two hype feet
That's good when you know you're down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat - uh - you can't touch

[You know that terrible dance move when a person grabs one of their ankles from behind, puts their spare hand to the back of their neck and shuffles around in a wild spasm?

Yeah. Chris is doing that. Except he misjudges the pressure put on his leg, pops the prosthetic out of place, and falls over.]

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[Oh my god, Chris. Oh my god, Chris. This is coming shortly after he made his own very morbid warning announcement telling people to kill him if he turns into a Mirror Barge monster and...and you're doing that. This is completely ridiculous.

It's just...it's a timing thing. It hits him in just the right way and he can't even speak to respond, he simply bursts out laughing, uncontrolled guffaws, one fist in front of his mouth like it's a cough he's trying to muffle, after a minute struggling to breathe.

Still shaking with laughter he reaches with one hand to shut the camera down.]

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I can't believe you.

[He's still catching his breath, those last notes of laughter fading as he wipes the tears from the corners of his eyes with thumb and fingertips.]

[Chris is so utterly stunned by this sight that he actually manages to stop making an ass out of himself for two minutes, pausing the boombox and sitting back up]

Uh.

Wow.

You okay?

Did I kill you?

I'm fine. I-I'm fine.

[He takes a deep breath and lets it out again, slow.]

Come on. I couldn't have scared you that much.

Well, no, it's just. Jesus, I've never heard you laugh like that before. I thought you were having a heart attack.

Haha. I'm not that old.

At least now I know that all it takes to make you laugh is me falling over.

That's not the only thing that can make me laugh.

But I'm your favorite, right?

You're ranked in the top five.

The fuck? Top five?

Who's above me and how do I kill them?

For making me laugh?

Yes.

You'd have to waste Iris, then. And possibly Ms. Gordon. And somehow I don't think you want to do either of those things.

You underestimate how ambitious and overachieving I can be.

Well - presuming you even could get past the two ladies' power couple then - the next two are Miss Hobbs, and Jack.

And if you actually succeeded in doing anything to either of them I'd be...miffed.

Abigail? She's totally not funny. Definitely not funnier than me.

Whatever makes you feel better.

[She and Blight both have that 'morbid sarcasm' thing going on, Chris. Of course she makes him amused.]

You're a dick.

And I'm challenging Abigail to a pun-off.

If you actually do, let me know so I can be there. Or at least record it for me.

It'll be like a rap battle.

And I'm the real Slim Shady.

...You're about white as he was, I'll give you that.

The whitest motherfucker here.

Yes, yes. Goodie for you.

So what's with the improvised dance, anyway?

Slevin needs a good send-off. I was a million times disappointed Rorschach didn't dance when I graduated.

So you really pulled it off and got him out the door after all. Well, what do you know.

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