mistconduct | Issue #61

[Standing in Slevin's cabin is Chris, looking around his inmate's room, skeptical and full of doubt.

There's a door there that wasn't there previously.

Giving a suspicious look to it - who's to say Slevin didn't just get maintenance to prank him? - Chris walks over and opens the door.

Well, would you look at that.]

[The camera shuts off. Fifteen minutes later, Chris is standing in the middle of Slevin's bathroom, a boombox at his feet. He points to the camera, then back at himself. The boombox starts blasting out the ultimate 90s, MC Hammer hit single, U Can't Touch This.

In Slevin's bathroom, Chris starts doing the hammer dance. ]

My-my-my-my music keeps me so hard makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two hype feet
That's good when you know you're down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat - uh - you can't touch

[You know that terrible dance move when a person grabs one of their ankles from behind, puts their spare hand to the back of their neck and shuffles around in a wild spasm?

Yeah. Chris is doing that. Except he misjudges the pressure put on his leg, pops the prosthetic out of place, and falls over.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Is there a point to all this, Jer-Bear?

There is, guy.

Then either stop being an elusive prick or hang up.

I'm just trying to understand it. How you got from where you started to...your little celebration today.

A journey of a thousand steps.

And which of those steps did you give up your...super villain ways?

The third.

So you just...gave it all up. Because you wanted to.

Gave up what? I was already dead, I was already a prisoner, I was a fucking asshole of a person. What was I losing?

And I'm sure that's...exactly what you thought back then.

Yep. Totally was.

You done being a prick yet or what?

That really depends, Chris. Are you done avoiding the truth?

What are you, my therapist? Dude, you've fucking known me for three days. Fuck off.

Consider it...curiosity. You have a unique perspective. I'm just trying to...figure it out. As a fairly new inmate.

Well, cut it out. We're not paired. You're not gonna graduate by taking the road I did.

That's not what I'm looking for, guy.

Whaaaat are you looking for, Jer-Bear? Besides a goddamn thesaurus because you need to stop calling me guy and start calling me The Dude.

Insight.

Into what? Your graduation?

Also, you've gotta get better at these conversations, Ben and Jerry, I'm getting tired of carrying the whole fucking thing by myself with your stupid lurking thing going on.

Perhaps you were too busy dodging the question to actually hear it.

To answer your lame-ass question, it took about three months for me to come around to the idea.

I'm guessing you had...a little help.

Yes, they took me down to the torture chamber and forced it out of me.

Were you as incapable of straight answers then, as well?

[ There were times when he struggled to accept that this was not just an older version of Ed. ]

Entirely. I came out of the closet, too.

Get it? No straight answers.

Heeeeyy.

[voice]

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