Issue #61

[mistconduct]

[Standing in Slevin's cabin is Chris, looking around his inmate's room, skeptical and full of doubt.

There's a door there that wasn't there previously.

Giving a suspicious look to it - who's to say Slevin didn't just get maintenance to prank him? - Chris walks over and opens the door.

Well, would you look at that.]


[The camera shuts off. Fifteen minutes later, Chris is standing in the middle of Slevin's bathroom, a boombox at his feet. He points to the camera, then back at himself. The boombox starts blasting out the ultimate 90s, MC Hammer hit single, U Can't Touch This.

In Slevin's bathroom, Chris starts doing the hammer dance. ]

My-my-my-my music keeps me so hard makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two hype feet
That's good when you know you're down
A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known as such
And this is a beat - uh - you can't touch

[You know that terrible dance move when a person grabs one of their ankles from behind, puts their spare hand to the back of their neck and shuffles around in a wild spasm?

Yeah. Chris is doing that. Except he misjudges the pressure put on his leg, pops the prosthetic out of place, and falls over.]

Comments

[routemistress]

New superpowered legs!

You've got a while to decide.

[mistconduct]

Holy shit, yes.


So wait. Does the Admiral kick you off if you can't come up with a deal?

[routemistress]

Nah, I've got no idea what I'll do when Ceres gets it together. Probably give it away, to be honest.

[mistconduct]

Wow. We're the laziest goddamn wardens. Can't even come up with a deal.

[routemistress]

Maybe I'll buy a planet. Set it up as a graduated inmate colony for everyone that doesn't want to go back where they come from.

Should I call it New Gotham, or does that strike a wrong note?

[mistconduct]

Call it Iristopia.

[routemistress]

...oooh, I like that!

There'll be gin fountains in the capital city and all. And a main square lined with statues of all the great barge wardens.

[mistconduct]

That went from mildly charming to fucking creepy in the span of .2 seconds.

[routemistress]

You could be right. I've got a place on Hyspero that's a giant stone version of me own 'ead. I don't even know 'ow much I must've 'ad to drink to commission that. I keep meaning to go back and blow it up.

Can I 'ave portraits of you all in the town 'all, though?

[mistconduct]

Wow. At least you're not bringing it back to the Barge.

Sure, but only if it's like a floor to ceiling thing. Like Henry VIII.

[routemistress]

I know.

Hmm. Aye, that'd suit you, you're starting to look a bit like old 'Enry.

[mistconduct]

Oh jesus christ, not you too.

I am not fat. I'm just. Getting a little pudgy. It's my summer weight.

[routemistress]

That only counts if you hibernate, darling. Anyway, don't worry about it, it's cute. I liked 'Enry a lot and all.

[mistconduct]

Ir-ussssss.

I'm not cute. I'm buff. Right? Tell me I'm buff.

[routemistress]

Buff as a big bear, so you are.

[mistconduct]

For fuck's sake. What's with you and hibernating metaphors?

[sssiiiiirrrrr]

You're going to drive them all back to their lives of crime.

[he loves you really boo]

[routemistress]

I'll provide boffer swords for the bar brawls. Oooh, and I'd better make sure it's got really good seas, 'adn't I?

[sssiiiiirrrrr]

Certainly if you've any taste for seafood.

[Gently being glib to avoid saying that he couldn't come to her planet, no matter how lovely it is.]