Issue #54 [Video]

[mistconduct]

[Day 1 and 2]

[Chis has been stuck on level 6 for the past couple of hours. He did great getting through the bottom two levels, but soon as his feet hit the spinning floor, he was down for the count. Now, every so often he tries to pick himself up, only to fall back down.

He's covered in bruises and slowly spinning in a circle, looking completely green, when he bothers to call in]

Can someone please come get me?

Jesus fucking christ this is embarrassing. Taken out by the goddamn Les Miserables set piece.

Hang on-

[The video cuts, just in time to catch Chris mid-hurl]

Comments

cw: misogynistic language + immaturity

[mistconduct]

You're the little bitch. Shut up.

I can't get to the slide, I keep telling you! For fuck's sake, you're such a smug asshole. I hate you already.

cw: more of the same

[americasdirtiest]

I'm the little bitch who's been sitting pretty down here while your ass gets beaten up by the spinning teacup ride?

[He's not even going to deny being a smug asshole. He's proud of that.]

[mistconduct]

Exactly. You're a stupid smug bitch and god, why am I even talking to you?! Go away.

God, I hate this whole fucking week.

[americasdirtiest]

'Cause you got nothing to do but cry about being stuck on a giant lazy susan, apparently.

[mistconduct]

[Furious, Chris begins to get back to his feet]

You ugly son of a-

[The floor juts out from under him again, and he doesn't have the balancing precision on his new legs that he used to. He falls on his ass for probably the seventh time that hour]

[americasdirtiest]

[Mickey lets out an ugly laugh and flips off the camera. This is the most entertained he's been since this whole stupid thing began!

Well, this and that guy who promised to get him a piranha.]

cw; ableist slurs

[mistconduct]

[With his face getting redder, Chris double-flips off the camera, shrieking at it]

It's not fucking funny, you buck-toothed retard! God, can someone take this asshole's communicator away from him before I murder him with my thoughts?!

cw: more misogynistic language

[americasdirtiest]

Looks like you got bigger things to worry about than me, bitch! Try learning how to levitate first.

cw; discussion of eye gore (not Young Frankenstein version)

[mistconduct]

Go to hell! Go to hell and get stabbed multiple times in your eyesockets!

[americasdirtiest]

Is there a way to record this shit?

[mistconduct]

Why are you such an unbelievable shithead?

CASSEL!

Cassel, if you're reading this, murder this guy. I don't even care if we're demoted. I'm pissed.

[americasdirtiest]

Who the fuck's Cassel? [Who the fuck is the guy you're talking to right now, Mickey? You don't even know.]

[mistconduct]

Cassel is my magic boyfriend who turns people into cats. You're fucked.

[americasdirtiest]

[And suddenly the fun goes out of the conversation. Mickey's smile vanishes into something that looks a little more like bafflement. He glances around, like he's afraid someone on his end might have heard Chris and thought it was him.

Do people just... talk like that here? Just say boyfriend out loud? On the network? Now Mickey's the one who feels a little sick, anxiety welling up like bile in his throat. He bites his lip and hangs up before he can say anything else, his heart pounding hard.

He's not supposed to be all twisted up about this shit anymore, he knows, but no one's here to push him into being better. Fuck.]

[mistconduct]

What, that got you to shut up? Magic cats?

Fuck this fucking boat. You're so lucky I didn't sic my inmate on you.


So lucky.

[andyougoleft]

Are you actually about to have some kind of aneurysm?

[mistconduct]

I'm about to die of fucking dehydration from throwing up all the time, Slevin!

God, I'm glad you're here. Are you in Zero too? Kick his ass for me.

[andyougoleft]

Okay for one, I'm slightly offended that you think I'd end up in Zero.

For two, I'm not going to kick his ass for you. You'll thank me when you're calmer. I accept Inmate of the Year awards.

[mistconduct]

Be offended all the fuck you want! Just tell me where you are and find out where this guy lives and kick his ass for me!

Fucking christ you're the worst fucking inmate ever. Everyone else's inmate murders people with no problem! You're the only guy I know who is so fucking bad at being an inmate that he literally gave up murdering people because he knew it would piss off his warden who keeps finding people who deserve killing!

[He may actually send himself into a coronary attack]

[andyougoleft]

I'm on the deck, and I know who he is and where he lives. He's about as subtle as you are, only with less flare for the dramatic.

I'm going to let all that slide because I'm such a nice guy, and ask instead of you still want me to waste my time beating up other wardens, or if you'd prefer I come get you.

[mistconduct]

You mean less awesome.

He's not a warden! He can't be. God. You're so dumb. So fucking dumb.




...please come get me. I'm really sick and lonely.

[andyougoleft]

Alright, give me a bit to figure a way past level two.

Where are the dogs?

[mistconduct]

Locked in my room last time I checked. I filled up my bathtub with water but they're probably peeing everywhere.

Oh god my poor dogs.

[andyougoleft]

One thing at a time. I have some shit to get through to get to you, but try not to puke on yourself before I do.

[mistconduct]

Don't come if you think you're not going to make it.