Chris D'Amico

[Hey, is that flood with all the pillows still going on? There's all this crap still loaded up in the hallway.

No, wait. It's just Cassel and Chris, standing at the beginning of a miniature obstacle course. Chris, his arms full of pure Pomeranian hyperactivity, is walking Cassel and his stupid snooty cat through it]


So, okay. First they have to leap over the pillow wall, then through the cardboard box.

Climb up book mountain, then down the slide and into the ball pit.

[He mimes a swimming motion, paddling Bowie's tiny paws through the air]

One of us is going to be holding up a hula hoop here, so they have to leap through it. Then through the moat.

[The 'moat' is two empty dresser drawers filled with water and stuffed next to each other.]

Under the Floss rope web, then back and forth through the cones, finishing off in Mini Blanket Fort Town.

Winner proves forever which animal is better: cats or dogs.

[he holds up Bowie to his face, whispering in his ear]

Dogs. It's totally dogs.

Okay, so listen. Just back me up a minute here.

Theoretically. What if someone were to run a line out from the back of the Barge like you were going to wakeboard.

I mean. Hypothetically speaking, you wouldn't actually die, right? You can breathe out there just fine?



Cassel. Come to the back of the ship and bring some rope and my inmate. This is non-negotiable.

[Day 1 and 2]

[Chis has been stuck on level 6 for the past couple of hours. He did great getting through the bottom two levels, but soon as his feet hit the spinning floor, he was down for the count. Now, every so often he tries to pick himself up, only to fall back down.

He's covered in bruises and slowly spinning in a circle, looking completely green, when he bothers to call in]

Can someone please come get me?

Jesus fucking christ this is embarrassing. Taken out by the goddamn Les Miserables set piece.

Hang on-

[The video cuts, just in time to catch Chris mid-hurl]

Sup, Barge.

We're heading into the dead heat of summer and it's time to wheel out the Shit That Can Possibly Go Wrong Pool.

$5 a square, if you guess the right disaster on the right month, you get the pool for the month.

Purposely instigating disasters counts as cheating and is grounds for early elimination.


Fuck this, I could be watching the World Cup right now.

( Cut for Disaster Pool )

[Video/Spam]

[in the first wake of summer, Chris has taken over a portion of the deck. He stands in shorts and a wifebeater, hands on his hips and overlooking what he's created. From the knees down, his bionic metal legs glint: this is the first time he's felt relatively confident enough to show off in person]

Okay.

So let me explain what a Slip 'n Slide is.

You see this long-ass inflatable canvas going from one end of the deck to the other? Where the hose is? You see the water?

Say it with me, geniuses: Slip. Slide. Easy as shit.

Slevin, Cassel, Petey, Scotty, all members belonging to the Fuck-Up Brigade of Douchebags Club that I've Just Invented, change and get up on deck because whoever goes the longest gets my copy of Watchmen that I totally tricked Rorschach into signing.

[Public, Voice]

Aww, is Big Bad Arthas still asleep? And what happened to the Admiral, where's his lazy fucking ass got to?

Heads up, assholes. There's a new guy in charge here, and if any of you fuckers try to pull something that gets us in a worse place than we already are, you're going to have to answer to me.

Anyone wanna go Round One?

[A shing of metal noise hitting a block sounds through the comm: Chris is using an icepick lately as a weapon of choice, as opposed to his usual hand guns]

Slevin and Mindy, please report to the gym for training. Cassel, Petey, Scotty, and me are going to be playing a little four-on-two today.


Let's get these assholes graduated and get off this ship before it's ended.

[Also open for Spam, as Chris goes roaming the Barge to find his inmate]

God, death-tolling fucking sucks


CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

You wake up on a ship floating in the middle of fucking space. A guy everyone calls the Admiral is heard over a loudspeaker declaring that you are stuck here, no take-backs. You're dead, sucker, and now you're also a prisoner. He informs you that there is no running away and that you'll only be allowed to leave once you graduate, or pay him five million dollars cash.

You don't have five million in cash.


To whine and carry on like a little bitch, press 1
To try reasoning with the Admiral via a cunning barter system, press 2
To ignore the Admiral and go get lunch, press 3
To strip off all your clothes and do the chicken dance, press 4

You are all fucked.


1) On this Barge, who do you have a crush on?
2) Dumbest thing you ever did?
3) Fess up. Have you ever peed in the pool?
4) Your father switches bodies with your boyfriend, or your mom switches bodies with your girlfriend, apply as needed. The only way to switch them back is to have sex with one of them. Which do you choose?

5) Bonus round: What question are you praying you won't get asked?

Hey, you.

Yeah, you, asshole.


You know something?


You are fucking awesome.


Happy to pull through another bullshit breach with you jackasses. From the bottom of my cold villainous heart.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to totally ignore my actual heritage and go pretend I'm Irish in style.

Chris' Revised Rules to the Barge

If an Inmate:

-Don't do anything to piss off anyone and you won't get your ass kicked.
-Actually, scratch that. Some people are just psychopaths looking for victims. Bulk up in the gym so you won't get your ass kicked.
-Yes the showers suck. Deal with it.
-Yes, the smell sucks too. Blame Rorschach.
-Holy shit stop whining about how you don't deserve to be here. No one cares.
-Shut up and take your licks like a man. This goes for girls too.
-You should probably get a pet or something. People like you better when you have something furry and adorable that also acts as a conversation-starter.
-At some point, you will crossdress, turn into an animal or a kid, or meet your worst enemy. Multiple times. Possibly at the same time.
-Be careful petting cats. These may also be people.
-Be kind to all animals, in fact. They'll bite your face off.
-Actually so will some of the other inmates. Especially the ones that look like animals.
-Beware of Halloween.
-For real, though, if you need help? Ask.

If a Warden:

-Be awesome all the time.