Issue #70

[mistconduct]

Fuck me, we're four days into March and the port messed up my goddamn March Madness spread!

Fuck it, fine. Obviously since I can't watch college basketball on the Barge, we make our own entertainment here.

Bets are currently open to be placed on all inmates. It's $5 to play, 5 spots for $20. First inmate you picked to graduate gets paid out.

All unpaired inmates are wild cards - if you bet on them and they're first to graduate, you win a date with Loki in addition to the whole kit and caboodle.

Here's some sample odds I've got running;

Mickey - 2:1
The Emperor - 2:1
Abigail - 3:1
Cass - 3:1
Mira - 5:1
Tig - 10:1
Jax - 10:1
Touko - 20:1
Sylvanas - 25:1
Jerry - 25:1
Dean - 40:1
Arthas - 50:1

...Hey, does anyone else feel like utter crap?

Comments

[versusnurture]

So, what, you think I'm easy? Also, how's a date with Loki an incentive in any way?

[routemistress]

Ceres, Mira, Tig and Tiffany for me.

...no, wait up, I need one more. Arthas.

[mistconduct]

Christ, Annabelle, relax. I have a very scientific method for determining who gets what odds. I look at who their warden is, how long they've been here, how violent they are, whether they've had any noticeable relapses...

...also yeah, you're totally fucking easy.


And don't even pretend you wouldn't want to date a god who can probably turn into anything.

He could turn into Mila Kunich. Think about it.

[mistconduct]

There's something to be said about people who bet on their own inmates but I'm not sure what.

Ceres I'll give you 5:1 odds, I don't know much about her. Tiffany's 2:1.

Arthas? What, are you trying to become some kind of high-rolling millionaire? Let's see the cash, Iris.

[versusnurture]

You suck. I'm choosing to interpret this as you saying Ben is better than you.

I don't want to date Mila Kunis.

[routemistress]

It's a matter of faith, my darling. What's the conversion rate for Venusian groats?

[mistconduct]

You suck and so does Ben. Ben's like the Miller Lite of Dean Winchester. He's Dean Lite.

Granted, she's a terrible actress, but she's adorable. It's like saying you wouldn't want to date Jennifer Lawrence.

[mistconduct]

American dollars. I'm not taking a trip to Venus anytime soon.

...Throw in a free massage.

[fridgetothefire]

Touko and Arthas.

[Anya may have a starkly minimalist white crown on. It might actually be growing out of her head, although her hair obscures this slightly. It might possibly be bone.]

[mistconduct]

Go big or go home, huh? All right, ten bucks.


What's that on your head?

[routemistress]

You sure? The 'anging gardens there are spectacular and there's a sex museum.

Done.

[mistconduct]

On Venus? Bullshit, it's too hot for that. Are you mixing this up with Amsterdam?

If everyone is betting on Arthas you're all going to take me to the cleaners if that asshole actually pulls through.

[warisart]

I will not tolerate you badgering my inmate, Chris.

Period.

[fridgetothefire]

They might surprise you.

You didn't get a souvenir?

[mistconduct]

I'm not badgering her! I'm having a conversation. She contacted me.

God. Don't twist your panties about it.

[mistconduct]

I got a sword. Not a fucking...crown of horns or whatever the fuck.

Move your hair a sec, I can't see it.

[routemistress]

It's got biodomes, you muppet. Well, it 'as by the 25th century. It is rather like Amsterdam, now you mention it. Bicycles and all.

I'm counting on 'im doing it just to spite you, Chris love.

[mistconduct]

Don't you call me a muppet. Only we have the right to call one another muppets.

Hey, if he graduates, he'll leave. That's awesome in my book. Even if his doing so does make me so poor that I have to mortgage my parents' house on Long Island.

[versusnurture]

I'm sorry, have you met Ben? He's a thousand times more competent than you'll ever be.

Okay, but even if Loki turned into, like, Elena, he's still way too dangerous to go on a date with. He might poison something.

[fridgetothefire]

It's from the chessboard, stupid. I'm the white queen.

[She lifts her bangs. Yeah, that looks unpleasant.]

Also, if you ever say 'Dean Lite' again, I will give you frostbite on your tongue.

[mistconduct]

Yeah? Bullshit. I graduated an inmate. I did my job. He's still working on you.

....Yeah, that's fair. All right, maybe I'll neuter him before your date.

[mistconduct]

Holy fuck. Is that reversible? Do we have to go have surgery?


White Queens don't have frost powers, Anya.

[routemistress]

Since when am I not we, you little gobby shit'ead?

[mistconduct]

You're a muppet, Iris?

[versusnurture]

Thank you.

[A beat.]

I like it. [Highest praise.]