Issue #29

[mistconduct]

Sup, Barge assholes. I'm back.

It's been like a whole fucking year, so I'm not going to bore you with the immense amount of crap that went down in my world because oh, hey, come up to the infirmary and take a look. Everyone and their mom already has.

Speaking of moms, I have an issue of rebranding to announce. Red Mist is dead. Henceforce I am no longer Chris D'Amico, but wish instead to be addressed by my super name, The Motherfucker. It's going to be a while before I'm back in the costume but regardless of that, I want you all to call me The Motherfucker. It grows on you.

And speaking of that, informal poll time, fucking yes it's that time again!

On a scale of 1 to 5, Chris' new goatee is;
-Awesome.
-REALLY fucking awesome.
-Sculpted like Michaelangelo's David.
-Way better than Tony Stark's
-I haven't seen it; every time I turn to observe I'm blinded by the awesome.

Comments

Private

[mistconduct]

No, I know.

It's just like.

You know that reference. It's reality.

Sorry, I'm kind of geeking out here.

Private

[halftheman]

And for you it's fantasy. We're not real. It's not real.

[ He's not sure how to feel about that. ]

Private

[mistconduct]

Makes you feel small, huh?

Private

[halftheman]

Fake.

I think fake's a better word for it.

Private

[mistconduct]

It's not really like that, though. If anyone's universe is fucked, it's mine. I know like half the guys here on this Barge from stories I grew up with and none of them know each other's. My universe is so fucking unoriginal that its stories had to be borrowed from other places.

Private

[halftheman]

Chris, if I've gathered anything, it's that world has all of the shit and none of the wonder that anybody else has.

[ Best sum up of a Mark Millar universe ever. ]

Private

[mistconduct]

...You know, I'm really...inclined to agree.


Fuck.

Private

[halftheman]

Sorry kid. Guess you can find a new place after you get your deal.

Private

[mistconduct]

Yeah, I'll move to Gotham. No one tries to cut your legs off there.

Private

[halftheman]

Gotham has enough fuck ups. Pick another world.

Private

[mistconduct]

Gee, thanks.

I dunno. I've never been to places outside of breaches.

Re: Private

[halftheman]

You got family here. Pick one of those.

Private

[mistconduct]

Megamind keeps wanting me to go to Metraw-city...or was it Metro-city...anyway, whatever the fuck. It's Midwest. I'm a New Yorker.

Private

[halftheman]

So? Spent summers on my grandfather's farm till I was twenty. Still a city boy.

Anybody else offering?

Private

[mistconduct]

Nope. Though I could always go troll Rorschach, he's a New Yorker too. I don't know whose world sucks more now, his or mine. I had 9/11, he had a giant squid monster.

Private

[halftheman]

...the fuck?

I would take Midwest over squid monsters.

Private

[mistconduct]

See, that's the difference between you and me, Dent.

Re: Private

[halftheman]

That I have common sense? Yeah, I've known that a while.

Private

[mistconduct]

New York's more than a place to me. It's my home and my history and my stomping grounds.

Private

[halftheman]

Gotham's the same for me. Doesn't mean I didn't walk when Black Mask had the city. The choices were 'be Black Mask's bitch', which I took a pass on, eat a bullet, or leave. I chose to leave.

In the end, Black Mask snuffed it, I came back and took up some of the power vacuum and things got back to normal pretty fast.

Private

[mistconduct]

Black Mask is a punk bitch. You could've taken him.

Private

[halftheman]

Not when it was me alone fresh in the bus to Arkham, and him with a pack of lunatics, all armed to the teeth. Sometimes you gotta see the odds, and not take the gamble.

Private

[mistconduct]

Bet that must've hurt your pride like fuck.

Private

[halftheman]

Always does, kid. Every loss does. Still got to eat it, and move on.

I outlived him.

Private

[mistconduct]

Please. Like anyone stays dead in Gotham.