mistconduct | Issue #70

Issue #70

Fuck me, we're four days into March and the port messed up my goddamn March Madness spread!

Fuck it, fine. Obviously since I can't watch college basketball on the Barge, we make our own entertainment here.

Bets are currently open to be placed on all inmates. It's $5 to play, 5 spots for $20. First inmate you picked to graduate gets paid out.

All unpaired inmates are wild cards - if you bet on them and they're first to graduate, you win a date with Loki in addition to the whole kit and caboodle.

Here's some sample odds I've got running;

Mickey - 2:1
The Emperor - 2:1
Abigail - 3:1
Cass - 3:1
Mira - 5:1
Tig - 10:1
Jax - 10:1
Touko - 20:1
Sylvanas - 25:1
Jerry - 25:1
Dean - 40:1
Arthas - 50:1

...Hey, does anyone else feel like utter crap?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

God, you're just completely useless.

You go write it.

Okay fine! I will!

[a very, very long text comes in, divided in about eighteen parts]

It was a beautiful day on the Barge. Everyone was having fun except for Arthas, who was pissed off. He was always pissed off, like, constantly. No one knew why, but most suspected that he'd been born with a rare testicular disease that had his scrotum in a permanent knot. Wherever he went, people ran away in terror, rather than face down the evil Ice King and his twisted balls. Arthas was handsome, but in that distant, weird sort of Lady Gaga way where you don't know what's special effects and what his natural hair color looks like. He was big and intimidating: it was always arm and leg day for Arthas at the gym. But whenever he decided to get laid, he felt self-conscious because he was worried about what would happen when he took off his pants and people discovered his nuts were all fucked up. So he remained distant, until one day he found a door hidden in the girl's locker room. Surprised, he opened it up and HOLY SHIT!!!! IT WAS THE ADMIRAL. The Admiral was basically like Kanye West only hotter and with a buff hat. He turned around and saw Arthas. The two locked eyes. Arthas growled and pulled out his massive weapon. He also had his sword in the other hand. "I'VE COME TO DESTROY YOU" He yelled, sexily. The Admiral shook his head and instead walked over to Arthas, unafraid. He cupped Arthas' ruined balls and whispered a few magic words. Arthas looked down in astonishment. For the first time in his life, he didn't feel pain at all! His balls were healed. It was a miracle. Sexily, the two of them embraced and collapsed on the deck floor in each other's arms. They had sex, a lot, all to the tune of Taylor Swift's new hit single. The end.