Issue #29

[mistconduct]

Sup, Barge assholes. I'm back.

It's been like a whole fucking year, so I'm not going to bore you with the immense amount of crap that went down in my world because oh, hey, come up to the infirmary and take a look. Everyone and their mom already has.

Speaking of moms, I have an issue of rebranding to announce. Red Mist is dead. Henceforce I am no longer Chris D'Amico, but wish instead to be addressed by my super name, The Motherfucker. It's going to be a while before I'm back in the costume but regardless of that, I want you all to call me The Motherfucker. It grows on you.

And speaking of that, informal poll time, fucking yes it's that time again!

On a scale of 1 to 5, Chris' new goatee is;
-Awesome.
-REALLY fucking awesome.
-Sculpted like Michaelangelo's David.
-Way better than Tony Stark's
-I haven't seen it; every time I turn to observe I'm blinded by the awesome.

Comments

[mistconduct]

[Chris falls silent for a second, giving Jesse time to absorb what's just been relayed to him. It freaked him out, too, but he's had time to adjust and recover, and be in a place where he feels safe and warm and loved. It's a far cry from where he came from, and the Barge has ways of putting people back together.

Still, it...really, really sucks. He misses the mobility and the freedom and just feels like a completely useless person. It's a hard adjustment]

He cracks a tired grin at that, rolling his eyes]

Hoversuit? I'm not...goddamn M.O.D.O.K.

[yeahscience]

[He's a pretty big closet nerd, but that one goes over even his head. He squints briefly at him, but you know, not the point.]

What about... robot legs? You know, like, those runners who are so mad fast they can't even be in the Olympics 'cause they got, like, springs all in their robot joints and everything? [He may have misinterpreted that story.]

[mistconduct]

I'm pretty sure those were like an urban legend or something.

[He may in fact just be really, really dumb]

[yeahscience]

Uh, no, they were totally a real thing. I saw it when I was home last time.

[mistconduct]

Pretty sure you were high.

[yeahscience]

Hey, I'm clean, asshole. [Except oh, he really wasn't when he heard that story, he remembers belatedly; it had been in his house after Gale, when his house had been full of noise and light and crystal and that one tweaker douchebag jabbering in his ear about how the South Africans were going to take over the world with their rabbit legs.

He grimaces and looks away, disguising the movement by going for a cigarette.] Whatever. Point is, there's... stuff. Just, uh-- wait for someone from, like, Tattooine to show up and find out how they did up Luke's fake hand. That shit was mad lifelike, yo.

[mistconduct]

And that won't fuck with my world? I thought there was some sort of rule or whatever that you couldn't drag back weird tech. Or maybe I just heard someone make that up.

[yeahscience]

What is that, the Prime Directive?

[mistconduct]

...Maybe that's where I heard it from.

[yeahscience]

I mean, ain't that the whole point, anyway? Changing things? Bringing people back from the dead, undoing stuff that shouldn't have gone down the way it did... there's people bringing back whole cities and, like, planets and whatnot that weren't around a second ago, so like, who even gives a shit about some random asshole's legs?

[mistconduct]

Well, I mean, people are gonna want to know where I got them. I can't hide them forever.

Fuck, the government's probably gonna want to tax them.

[yeahscience]

[He wrinkles his nose.] Screw that. [Hey, his criminal days may be past him, but that doesn't mean he likes the feds now.]

[mistconduct]

Seriously. They'd yank them from me if I get them weaponized, too.

[yeahscience]

So just don't get caught, yo, that's the way to do it.

[mistconduct]

Easier said than done, my friend.

[yeahscience]

Oh, come on, dude. If you can hide being a criminal, you can hide robot legs.

[mistconduct]

I was paying off people so that I could hide being a criminal. Right now all that cash is tied up between my uncles and me.

[yeahscience]

[He lets out a little scoff of frustration, rolling his eyes. Come on, Chris -- Gus Fring never needed to pay off the cops!] Look, whatever, you're not going back there for a long-ass time anyways, right? So fix yourself up now, get hooked up with something awesome, and then worry about that part later.

I mean, shit, if you need money, I got... I dunno, enough, probably.

[mistconduct]

There's plenty of money. It's just that I've been declared legally incompetent since...y'know. I run around at night in a cape and a mask.

[yeahscience]

...Well. [Look, he still hates the feds, but that's not a completely invalid point.]

[mistconduct]

Hey. I know what you're thinking.

Shut up.