Issue #29

[mistconduct]

Sup, Barge assholes. I'm back.

It's been like a whole fucking year, so I'm not going to bore you with the immense amount of crap that went down in my world because oh, hey, come up to the infirmary and take a look. Everyone and their mom already has.

Speaking of moms, I have an issue of rebranding to announce. Red Mist is dead. Henceforce I am no longer Chris D'Amico, but wish instead to be addressed by my super name, The Motherfucker. It's going to be a while before I'm back in the costume but regardless of that, I want you all to call me The Motherfucker. It grows on you.

And speaking of that, informal poll time, fucking yes it's that time again!

On a scale of 1 to 5, Chris' new goatee is;
-Awesome.
-REALLY fucking awesome.
-Sculpted like Michaelangelo's David.
-Way better than Tony Stark's
-I haven't seen it; every time I turn to observe I'm blinded by the awesome.

Comments

[mistconduct]

The goatee is awesome. The goatee stays.

[routemistress]

I'll allow the goatee. The name's stupid, not to mention factually inaccurate.

[mistconduct]

The name is not stupid! And it's not literally fucked, it's like "Oh shit, I'm fucked" kind of fuck.

[routemistress]

It makes you sound like an idiot. 'Aven't we learned that's not your real superpower, Chris?

[mistconduct]

Maybe it works in the reverse. Maybe I WANT people to think I'm an idiot so that when I come up from behind they're not expecting it.

[routemistress]

Darling, no one ever expects you; you're like the Spanish Inquisition only funnier. You don't need the name.

[mistconduct]

...That's an insult, isn't it. God, what's it going to take for you people to take me seriously as a crimefighter?

Well, I can't be Red Mist anymore. And when people found out I was Chris I landed in jail.

[routemistress]

No. It's really not. Rorschach did a lot to toughen you up but hitting people's never going to be your superpower. Making 'em love you is.

You can do better than that.

[mistconduct]

That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. And I'm gay.

If I'm the Motherfucker I get to keep my brand. And wait until you see the costume. It's amazing.

[routemistress]

Can't fight the truth though, sweetheart. We can still think of summat fitting that's not soppy.

...I'm looking forward to it.

[mistconduct]

Loving too much totally fucked me in the end. It's what prevented me from killing the guys who sawed off my legs.

Good! You should be. Everyone should be.

[routemistress]

Aye. I know 'ow that goes, darling. I've still not often regretted it.

One day I'd like to know the full story. But I'm still not calling you Motherfucker. Deal with it.

[mistconduct]

They're dead. They're so fucking dead.

...Fine. Fine, I'll make an exception for you because you knew me before as Chris and you're old and set in your ways and shit.

[routemistress]

...I'm not sure I like your reasoning but I'll take it.

I s'pose Rainbow Mist wouldn't meet with your approval.

[mistconduct]

Okay, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard. No. God, no.

[routemistress]

It does 'ave a bit of a My Little Pony ring to it, aye. You could've worked it in the seventies, but not in your own time, I don't reckon.

Something on that theme, though. Refraction. Sundog. Prismatic Avenger. It'll come to me.

[mistconduct]

Stop. No. I'm keeping my red-and-black color scheme, I'm not going full rainbow.

[routemistress]

No, well, I might not be exactly impartial about that. It'd fit so well with me and Rorschach.

[mistconduct]

See? It's a family theme.