mistconduct | Issue #35

So we're totally shooting off fireworks for New Year's, right?

[Private to the Admiral]

Hey, can you send me another copy of Slevin's file? I need to check something weird.

[Also Private to the Admiral]

Holy fuck.

I mean, holy fuck. Is this the first year I get to do this?

All right. Let's fucking go.

For David, let's do a giant wall painting in his bedroom of him beating the crap out of Alan Turing. Put, like, a burning Washington monument behind him and make it look like he's winning the robot apocalypse single-handedly.

For Archer..No, fuck that guy. Get him some Viagra. Suck it.

For Bea, you can get her that book from Star Wars about Darth Vader raising his kids. I think she'd get a kick out of it.

For Esther, maybe some make-up and bows and shit. Girls like that, right? She's starting to grow up.

For Scotty dog, let's do one of those creepy mechanical puppy things that walk five steps, bark, and flip over.

For Elena, we can do life-sized cardboard cut-outs of me and Cassel plastered around her room. She'll appreciate it. I want us doing the Fonzie pose.

For Kevin..I'm not getting him fire. Jesus, no. Let's get him a punching bag shaped like his bitch of a mom so he can bulk up and kick ass.

For James Bond, we need to start entering phase 2 of corgi-bombing. So I need stuffed corgis. Lots of them. Fill his fucking room. Vesper can get some too.

For Two-Face, just get him a pack of cigarettes and some booze. I don't even care. Just waste him so he's not all up in my face for a week.

For Barbara, I want you to fuck with her computer. Change all the contacts so instead of "Chris" or "Iris" it says "Bat-Chris" and "Bat-Iris." Put little black ears on all the icons. Make it so she has to yell "I'm Batman!" at it to unlock. Go crazy. It'll be funny.

I guess that's not really a present-present, so maybe just...also include, I dunno, rocket boosters to her wheelchair. Hey, as long as we can ask for anything, you go big or go home.

For Pete, let's give him a parachute. Learning to swing from skyscrapers fucking sucks when you don't have a back-up.

For Alex, get him a shaving kit. And write "For when you hit puberty" on it. Hah.

For Charles, some high-end whiskey. The good stuff. I owe him for the chair.

For Zane, maybe some galoshes so he doesn't get fucking covered in mud every time I see him. Rubber ones.

Now for the pack. Okay. For Jesse, I want weed. Like a fuckton of weed. And a bong in the shape of a wolf's head so when you blow smoke out of it it sounds like it's howling. Don't even pretend like that's not a thing, I've seen it. It's a thing. And also maybe a bottle of flea-be-gone shampoo.

For Arya, we're also going wolf-themed. You know one of those crazy medieval torture devices that can chop a dude's dick off? Like a hand-held guillotine? Yeah. She gets one. Also with wolves on it. Fucking everyone loves wolves. And write down the names of her enemies on it. She's got swords and shit, she needs one of those. And when she's done mutilating assholes, she can use it to slice vegetables. Just make sure it's easy to clean.

For Lark, I want to get him the entire boxed set of the 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd. And I also want him to get three collars with chips in them. That way he can give them to Arya and Jesse in case he needs to track them and they're in some kind of pound or whatever.

For Riddick, let's do cologne. But not like, good cologne. Like I'm-a-Motherfucking-Predator-and-Anyone-Who-Smells-Me-And-Still-Keeps-Coming-Over-Is-In-Some-Bad-Shit.

For Iris...I'm gonna give her my car. She needs transportation more than me and I know it's not a replacement for the bus but I can't drive like I am and maybe her puppies wanna go for car rides in port.

For Slevin, I want a costume for his that matches the Motherfucker's. He can be my sidekick. We'll call him....The Revenge Boner. So I want his symbol to be like a dick wearing a cape, in black and red like mine. Cool?

For Hit-Girl...No, she doesn't get shit from me. Too freaked out you even fucking brought her here, you asshole.

For Megamind..working model of Metrocity. With a little him in it. He can use it for plotting to make it safer. Or for fun, if he wants to, y'know, crash trains and shit and giggle maniacally. I know I would.

For Rorschach...this is gonna take some doing, but can you just print out a bunch of all the fanboy rants about him on forums from my world? Just all those people who talk about him like he's some kind of characterized god. I think he'd be weirded out by it but it's nice to know when your actions are appreciated.

For Cassel...Fuck. What do you get a boyfriend who can literally make anything with his hands? Anti-masturbation cream?

Forget it. Dance lessons. For the both of us. I don't even care how. I suck at dancing now and he needs to pick up some slack around here anyway.

And hey; get something for yourself while you're at it. It's on me.